Conformity vs. Expression
The balance between “being me” & “fitting in”.
I think of the Avengers. Yes, I am a Marvels fan. I was late to the game, but now love to watch Endgame over and over. I mean, the storyline is good with the tried and true theme of good vs evil. The characters are well-developed, interesting and have a sense of humor. One of the things that I enjoy about the franchise is watching the characters maintain their individuality while creating a space for themselves within the team of heroes. Not only that, but in assimilating into the group, they figure out how to support each other. They grow relationships between themselves in the shadow of tapping into their own power while battling the bad guys.
This is life: finding the balance between staying in our power while feeding our hunger to belong by becoming part of a community: conformity vs expression.
Circa 2003, I became a part of the CLE (Center for Life Enrichment) community. This is where I learned about Bob and Judith Wright’s work on transformational leadership. This work has been some of the most important in my life. It supported me through years of reparenting as well as examination of my whole life, teaching me to be responsible for it. And I was fortunate enough to having amazing therapists throughout this journey. They have left handprints on my heart and soul.
I will go into depth on “the work” at another time, if you’re interested. I am merely introducing CLE and “the work” to be able to refer to one of their tools for personal growth. I hope that my interpretation of this tool is accurate and that I represent the work well.
The tool is called The Wright Developmental Model. Perhaps this tool, itself, will be a topic for a future article. There’s so much to learn! It has been a gift again and again in my personal growth and development.
In the WDM, there are 6 levels of challenge/opportunities for growth. It’s important to state that unlike Erikson’s Developmental Stages, the WDM is fluid; that is, all throughout our lives we go back and forth between the levels as opposed to going through every stage once.
At each level we are able to make a choice to either further our development and expand or to remain in old patterns of thinking and behavior that result in constriction, keeping us stuck. Most importantly, know that we ALWAYS have a choice. WE are responsible for our lives.
Having said that, the fourth level (Conformity vs Expression) is what I want to explore here. I have found myself in this struggle, between the two, time and time again. I can even see Lennon working through this level. Let me explain.
We have gone to her gym class together for 2 years. Upon turning three, her teachers encouraged us to enroll her in a class without us. (You remember this time in your life, raising kids and letting go, right?) I’ve watched her, week after week, struggle as she tries to conform (do what the teacher is requesting and also take in what the other kids are doing and saying) while she expresses herself (verbalizes her opinions and interacts with the other kids). This is Conformity vs Expression.
The internal struggle is this: how do I become a part of the group AND hold onto my individuality, my uniqueness, my authentic self?
As Lennon struggles, I sit outside the room within glancing-distance, conveying that I am supporting this milestone and reminding her that she is not alone. It’s like deja vu…I sat in a viewing box at Shabonna Park, watching Caitlin in her swim class. My internal feelings are the same: I want to go and grab her and bring her home. I don’t want to put her in a situation that makes her scared or uncomfortable.
In some ways, I want to keep her little and dependent. I felt this way about all of my girls. I wanted to shelter them from pain. I wanted to be their anchor in a way that kept them attached to me. My growth work has taught me to acknowledge these thoughts and feelings and then to attach myself to a higher vision for them. I take a breath and shift to letting go a little, which gives me a stomachache, but I know that like Caitlin and Emily and Megan, Lennon needs to learn to depend on herself. SHE is the person that she must MOST believe in.
Caitlin is so good in these moments. Lennon will say that “(she’s) scared of (her) class. Caitlin confidently tells her that, “(she’s) got this”. I follow suit and acknowledge her feelings of fear, adding that although she’s scared, she is also strong and brave and can do anything.
I sure hope that these words will stay with her throughout her life:)
For me, as for all of us, we face this same challenge (conformity vs expression) in the same way. Take for example, my most recent dance with it:
I’ve found myself here repeatedly during the last few years as I have changed jobs a few times. There’s been a few starts and stops for various reasons and it has battered my sense of security to say the least. Consequently, it has been extremely difficult to not have a consistent income. I’ve questioned my abilities, my character, my worth. And I hear myself saying to Lennon, “what do we do when we fall?” and I hear her say, “we get up”. Out of the mouths of babes, right?
My current position has been no different, in the way that I have encountered the fourth level.
During my training, I’ve had to check myself over and over as I’ve wrestled with holding onto my beliefs about myself and simultaneously “going with the program”. I want to be a part of this team so I must adhere to new rules and policies and even behaviors in some ways. I want to offer my vast expertise in certain areas, so I must take chances and do that, respectfully. I must also know when to stand down and get really good at discerning between the two approaches, conforming and expressing.
It’s like learning to drive. Remember when you had to know and follow all of the rules of the road but you felt the desire to demonstrate your own personal style of driving? Eventually when you got your driver’s license, you remained aware and abided by the rules (most of them, I hope) but cultivated your own flair when you were behind the wheel.
Looking back, I’ve been meeting up with Conformity vs Expression since I was born. I had to learn the language and the rules while developing myself. I met up with this level when I started school, when I learned to drive, when I assimilated into friend groups, when I joined Team Crossroads, when I started going to the gym, when I became a nurse, when I became a mom, when I started various jobs, when I went to parties, when I went to church, when I started CLE, when I moved to AZ, when I became a grandma (well, I’m Coco, but you already know that) and so many other times. Most recently, I’ve met up with it when I started teaching Yoga and Pilates at the gym and I’ll meet up with it again when I start my Health and Wellness coaching.
I’ll feel imposter syndrome, wondering if I can do the job and surmising whether others will “buy it”. I’ll feel scared (like Lennon did in her new class) and want to go home. I’ll want to give up even before I try. And I will make mistakes. I’ll forget to repeat a yoga pose or pilates sequence or my playlist will play something unexpected (!) or I’ll have to stick a patient twice or say something old school to Lennon, but I will keep getting up. I have lots of practice in falling AND in getting up.
We will continue to meet up with this dilemma: how to fit in AND simultaneously be authentically YOU. Like many things, acknowledging the challenge is the first step. If you can see that there is work to do and believe that you are capable, if you can practice self-compassion and get support, well then my friend, you will be well-armored.
Remember that at the heart of this challenge is the hunger to belong. Who can argue with that? The existential principle at this level is “truth”. Telling the truth about what is going on for you will set you free and bring you to a place of balance between conforming and expressing where Thriving can become the outcome!
