Becoming Coco
I remember a day in February 2020 when Covid-19 was looming and about to set the world into a frenzy of unprecedented consequences. I was in Arizona, visiting my daughter and son-in-law. Caitlin and I went to pick Taylor up at the airport. On the way home, Caitlin and Taylor were acting a little grumpy toward each other. {“Grumpy” is a commonly-used gramma word, in case you didn’t know.} I was uncomfortable and trying to steer the conversation in another direction with my usual, “hmmmmm, never saw a truck like that before” comments.
Upon arriving home, they both disappeared into other rooms in the house. The aura was ominous. I wasn’t sure if they were arguing or sulking in their room, so I minded my own business. When they came out, they looked awkwardly suspicious and just stood there in front of me. I was scared. What weirdos! Oh!!!! And then I noticed the t-shirts that they had changed into: “MOM est 2020” and “DAD est 2020” written across their beaming chests. What a moment!
I was going to be a gramma! I did not know how to feel. I was elated, scared, uncertain, excited and happy beyond and in ways that I had not known before.
What would I be called? How was I old enough to be a gramma? How had all of this passed me by so quickly? Would Caitlin be ok? Would this be a healthy pregnancy? What impact would this “Covid” thing have? Boy or girl? How would all of our lives change? Why do they live so far away? Could something bad happen to Caitlin, after the tragedy of losing her sister? Would God (universe) do that?
That was the beginning.
In early September 2020, after 3 days of tumultuous labor and delivery, Lennon Ella Rose was born. My first look at her and I knew that this was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. She was breathtaking, healthy, bright - and those eyes! She has now lived almost 3 years, having all strangers and friends comment on how striking those eyes are, pale and lovely blue, but who she has become is much more compelling.
During the first year of life, I went back and forth to Arizona often, getting to know this little bean. It’s true what they say: grandparenthood is the best. It’s like the most wonderful reward during the last chapters.
When my daughter got married, I realized that now I am on the periphery of the family. I am no longer in “the center”. The main focus, the most energetic part of the family is my daughter and her new little family. At this stage, it is my turn to recede into the background. My contribution is quieter, softer, less active. My little peanut is quite the nucleus of the family, as she should be. It’s no joke when people say that this little one is the center of our universe. She is. And I, on the periphery like all other third and fourth generations, will eventually dissipate into the stars. This is life.
I feel so uniquely different about her. So much so that I felt compelled to pack up my belongings and move to Arizona to be closer to her, always with the intention of supporting my daughter. My dream was to grow relationships with both of them. And so I made it happen.
I look at Lennie and my heart smiles. I smell her head and get that warm glow coursing through my veins. I watch as she takes in all around her, sounds and sights, movement and light. She reaches out for the world with curious anticipation. She’s open and new and loves to move and explore. I have more time and patience to observe and delight in who she is. Nothing can beat the innocent wonder in her eyes.
I have spent an almost 2 years living 5 minutes from her. I’ve been able to swoop in when her parents were sick or needed time. I spend time with her often and enjoy knowing the lovely soul that she is. I realize how lucky I am to be here, to have Lennie in my life. I will never underestimate this.
When she was not-yet-2, I had not yet decided what to be called by this little angel. I was still adjusting to being called a grandmother. Weren’t grandmothers old and decrepit, with whiskers sprouting out of their chins and only having strength enough to hold a baby on their lap? I did NOT want to be that! I did not want to be a gramma like my mom was to my girls either. She wasn’t warm enough for my taste and definitely not active enough for my liking. She watched the girls a bit during their childhood but it wasn’t the healthiest option. I didn’t want to be the type of grandma that I had either. She was an old Irish woman, feeble and always sitting by the window waiting for life to happen to her. I had to decide what kind of gramma that I wanted to be.
And so I became Coco! At her not-yet-2 moment, at the waterpark as Caitlin told Lennie to hand me something, she repeated the word, “Coco”. The rest is history. That name stuck to me like glue and when she says, “Coco”, my heart leaps with joy. I am an awesome Coco, running and jumping with her, singing every song that I know and letting her get as dirty as she wants. Yesterday we sat in my too-small closet, imagining that we were on a plane en route to Chicago.
We danced to the Party Freeze game, jumping on my couch when the “floor became lava” and looked at bugs at the Learning Tree. I’ve held her and rocked her many times and seen her raw innocence in the morning time. When she pouts and tears roll down her cheeks, my heart hurts. She knows how to take a deep breath to calm her upset and rocks “tree” as well as other yoga poses. Lennie has mastered her swimming skills and putting on her shoes and her language development as well as critical thinking skills blow us away. And she loves the Little Critter books, just like her parents did when they were little. You know I could go on (e-mail me if you want to hear more). Suffice it to say, she’s the light of my life and watching Caitlin grow into motherhood has been a true blessing in my life.
Being Coco, is the best identity shift that I’ve ever made. I love that she knows me this way, fun and patient, loving and kind and open to what life brings. I love that we laugh with our mouths wide open and that she knows the words to many songs, including “Close to You” by the Carpenters. I’ve been singing it to her since our first walk in October 2020. I love that she can identify her feelings and has no problem announcing what she likes and doesn’t like. I’m looking forward to watching her meet all of life’s opportunities with the wild, independent, spirited and loving soul that lives within her. Becoming Coco has been its own journey and with it the resignation that time marches on and I, too, will reach the stars - but I’ll always have my eye on my girls, from right beside my girls.
*On another day, I will write a book about Lennie and Coco and all of our adventures. Stay tuned!
+Check out the Art page for pictures that complement this article!
